Harley

Last week was hell for me.

I really feel like that line in itself should sufficiently show how I feel, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to elaborate.

Last week I was at a really low point in my life, and extremely stressed out. I cried everyday for a week and a half, and feel like I might cry right now thinking about this. A series of events ultimately lead to my having to find a new home for my puppy Harley. Harley is the sweetest, smartest dog that I have ever met or had and it hurts alot still thinking that realistically I will never see her again.

Last week I was severely stressed out about a few things, the largest of which was trying to find a suitable home for Harley on very short notice to save her from the pound.

Originally my friends Dana and Jake, a recently married couple living in Washington State told me that they would take her, if I could get her out there to them. It was a very generous offer, and after much consideration and discussion with my aunt, who has alot of professional and personal experience with dogs, I decided that transporting her cross-country was not an option that I was comfortable with for the sake of her health and well being.

My mother saw my distress and posted on facebook about our situation, and her wonderful friend Stephanie helped to put me in contact with a few people who seemed genuinely interested, but ultimately all of whom did not pan out for one reason or the next.

Finally, as I was preparing to take her to NC and check her into a well renowned humane society that checks homes of potential pet parents and is no-kill, fate stepped in.

We went to petsmart to get her nails cleaned up and I asked the technician is she knew anybody that was interested in a puppy, and she did. The manager of the pet salon and I started to communicate, we set up a play date, and I decided that these were indeed the perfect owners for her.

The couples' names are Jake and Sarah, who live not too far from my mom. They have a 15 month old dog named Sooki who is also a female lab-pit mix, and they are very passionate about animals, and had been looking for a second dog. They take their dog camping, hiking, running, and their other dog is meticulously maintained.

They loved Harley, and she seemed to love them and fit into their home effortlessly, and I think that as heartbroken as I am for the time being, this ultimately was what is best for her. I don't think that even I could have given her the type of life that she deserves.

I guess what hurts me the most is that there's really no way to explain it to Harley. I know that she's happy, and Sarah and I have agreed to stay in contact, but I guess I might feel better if I could have sat her down and had a talk with her like I could have with a kid, instead of dropping her off and walking out of her life without ever saying goodbye.

I think I'm writing this all down because for the past week I've been trying so damn hard to not think about it, and hold it in, and that's not doing me very much good. Right now I'm tearing up a little bit (alot actually) and am going to write out exactly how I feel for myself to get it out, so that I can finally start to heal.

Dear Harley,

I love you. More than anything in the world I wish that I could just grab you up in my arms like when you were a baby and hug you and tell you that and have you understand. I know that scientifically speaking, you'll forget about me. I know that dogs don't have emotions like humans do, and that I'm making this harder than it needs to be for myself. I know that I'm being selfish.

When Mike left for deployment, you were the only one that I had. There were so many mornings when I didn't even want to get out of bed because I didn't see any point to it. I felt so damn bad about life and myself, and if it wasn't for loving you and caring for you, I don't know how I would have dealt with any of it. You were the only reason that I even got dressed some days. When I decided that going to NJ was the best thing for deployment, I never thought that I would have to give you up. I'm so sorry.

The only reason that I could let you go was because I knew that you would have a much better life with Sarah and Jake than I could ever provide for you. I took care of you the best that I could, and you taught me so much about responsibility and love. I'm going to think about you alot in the coming years, and miss you often. The only comfort I have is that I could give you a wonderful life that you deserve and even though it's not with me, I hope that you have the best life in the world. That's all I could want for you to thank you for pulling me out of the darkness when I felt like I had nobody else. I hope that's enough.

And no matter what, please never, ever forget how much I love you and always will.